And Guess What? I'm Your New Roommate
by xxliveforever17xx
Summary: Sam, Oliver, lots of alcohol, and conversation that covers everything and nothing at the same time.


_Hey guys! So this is just a little drabble that came to mind during Oliver's little tirade that ended with him crashing at Sam's. I started writing it, and then it all just kind of spiraled down hill and completely out-of-control. So this is what came of me letting my imagination, muse, and_ never-ending love for Sam and Oliver's friendship_ run wild together (I love those two so damn much. They are all sorts of wonderfully brilliant).  
><em>

_As always, please review! I do so appreciate reading all of your comments, they really, truly, make my day. Hope you all enjoy!_

* * *

><p>Oliver slammed the door to Sam's house shut in outright defiance to the request to <em>not<em> slam the door shut.

"Hey, don't tell me what to do, buddy. Last time I listened to you, _this afternoon_, I ended up kicked out of my house. For all I know, if I _don't_ slam the door shut, the entire house will fall down."

"Oh, come on Ollie, it's one night."

"Yeah, one night that will lead to two nights, that will lead to two weeks, that will lead to her having full custody of the kids."

"And Princess."

"Don't drag my dog into this."

"It's not your dog. It's Zoe's dog."

"Don't - don't mention her name. I need a drink."

"I'm not sure that's such a good idea after the enormous amounts of alcohol you just consumed at the Penny."

"Get me a beer, or so help me God, I will walk in and out of this house for the entire night, slamming the door shut each time."

"Damn, I forgot what an ass you are when you're drunk."

"No, an _ass_ is someone who mocks his friend's hairy back. It's not hairy, is it?" He lifted up his shirt for Sam to inspect.

"Put your shirt down, Ollie, you're embarrassing yourself."

"I want to go home."

"I know."

"You gave me shit advice."

"No, I gave you _good_ advice. You were the idiot who broke one of her three rules."

"When you and McNally get married, don't ever break any of her rules."

"Why? Why do you feel the need to drag my partner into every conversation we have?"

"You dragged Princess into the conversation."

"Okay, no beer for you."

"No!"

"Yes. You're past the point of coherence."

"Okay. I want to go home."

"I know."

"I haven't spent a night away from Zoe since we got married."

"Really?"

"Those strippers weren't even that attractive. They weren't. At all. Why did I even go?"

"That's a good question."

"I'll tell you what's a good question. A good question is why I ever listened to you in the first place."

"I told you I'm not good with relationship advice."

"You're really not."

"Thanks."

"You - you and McNally..."

"Ollie, no. No, we're not going there."

"Peckstein."

"What?"

"If Peckstein ever had babies, that would be dreadful. We'd have to euthanize them before they became bitchy _and_ reckless."

"You need to stop talking now. Come on, let's get you to bed."

"You're a good friend, Sammy."

"You have no idea."

"Can I live with you when Zoe kicks me out for good?"

"She's not going to kick you out for good."

"Really?"

"Really. Trust me, I know her. Remember what you said about her after your first date?"

"That I was going to marry her."

"Yes. And remember what Jerry said?"

"That we wouldn't last two weeks."

"And look how wrong he was. Remember what I said?"

"That she was far too pretty for me."

"Okay, yes, I said that, but what else did I say? At your wedding."

"Don't make me think. It hurts."

"I said that you two were going to fight every day, and stay married for sixty years."

"Sixty years is a long time."

"So is fifteen."

"Yeah. Yeah, so is fifteen. Last week. Fifteen years, man. Wow."

"Wow is right. I'm lucky if I stay in a relationship for fifteen _weeks_. So don't worry. Buy her something nice, cook her dinner, and things will be fine."

"I'll give Princess a bath. She hates giving Princess a bath, so I'll do it."

"Just make sure I'm not riding with you the day you do it."

"Oh, Sammy. You only wish you rode with me every day. Actually, then that would mean you wouldn't be able to ride with McNally, and - "

"For God's sake Oliver, shut the fuck up and get into bed already."

"Don't be mean."

"Sorry. Would you please go lie down?"

"No funny business."

"Don't be nasty. I'm going leave a trash can by the bed, okay?"

"I'll try to aim properly."

"Good man."

"Hey - " he reached out and grabbed Sam's shirt sleeve. "Thanks, man. Really, I appreciate it."

"No problem. Couldn't have my best friend sleeping on the streets now, could I?"

"That wouldn't be good."

"No, it wouldn't."

"Night Sammy."

"Night Oliver."


End file.
